I'm pathetic.
I have to.
I can't deal with this stomach/mind splitting anxiety anymore or...something. It's really pathetic that I let just about anything push me over the edge of insanity. That edge is here, it's right fucking there every night before I sleep, every morning when I wake up, I'm hopeless and am ready to vomit.
I just want a pill I can take when I need and is not going to be addictive or make me fat. I still have a whole month's worth of prozac i never tried...it will probably make me fat. I've been taking 1/4 of a .5mg Xanax tablet twice a day. It at least gets my appetite up. Otherwise I have to choke down food.
I know I can feel at peace. I've done it before, but at that time there were less things to be freed from. I'm also fighting feeling peace...I know I am. I can't meditate completely, but I get glimpses of it...but I'm being too human. I'm getting angry. I'm moping in self pity and being emotionally destructive to myself.
Relationships are too hard on me. I can't do them. Every single relationship since Joe (since I was 18) has been completely filled and interrupted with anxiety. I feel like I'll never be ready, I'll never get married, and I'll never have children. I always think if I can't have kids, or adopt then I'll have nothing to live for. Yes, that IS how bad my negative chaining is getting. Hah...it's actually pretty comic looking at how ridiculous that just sounded: "I got broken up with -> I'll never get married -> I'll never have kids -> I won't have anything to live for."
Wow...RIDICULOUS.
Yeah, here I am...whining...choking...being a baby and then I remember Sheldon has died, there are mothers mourning for their children.
I'm pathetic.
