It's here...

I need to see someone.
I have to.
I can't deal with this stomach/mind splitting anxiety anymore or...something. It's really pathetic that I let just about anything push me over the edge of insanity. That edge is here, it's right fucking there every night before I sleep, every morning when I wake up, I'm hopeless and am ready to vomit.
I just want a pill I can take when I need and is not going to be addictive or make me fat. I still have a whole month's worth of prozac i never tried...it will probably make me fat. I've been taking 1/4 of a .5mg Xanax tablet twice a day. It at least gets my appetite up. Otherwise I have to choke down food.

I know I can feel at peace. I've done it before, but at that time there were less things to be freed from. I'm also fighting feeling peace...I know I am. I can't meditate completely, but I get glimpses of it...but I'm being too human. I'm getting angry. I'm moping in self pity and being emotionally destructive to myself.

Relationships are too hard on me. I can't do them. Every single relationship since Joe (since I was 18) has been completely filled and interrupted with anxiety. I feel like I'll never be ready, I'll never get married, and I'll never have children. I always think if I can't have kids, or adopt then I'll have nothing to live for. Yes, that IS how bad my negative chaining is getting. Hah...it's actually pretty comic looking at how ridiculous that just sounded: "I got broken up with -> I'll never get married -> I'll never have kids -> I won't have anything to live for."
Wow...RIDICULOUS.

Yeah, here I am...whining...choking...being a baby and then I remember Sheldon has died, there are mothers mourning for their children.

I'm pathetic.

My momma always told me, "If it's too good to be true, it probably is".

Mom always knows best.
I'm still young, naive and stupid.
I'm too nice for my own good. I should learn how to protect myself instead.

I feel like the trap door below life has fallen through.
I feel like everything has come to a halt...
Grades don't matter, painting doesn't matter, money doesn't matter.

I didn't expect it to be open casket.
I didn't think I'd see his face ever again. He was an Eagle Scout...he was wearing his pin.
I didn't expect to cry so much.
I didn't expect this to hurt so much.
I didn't think I'd hug his mom, or his grandparents, or his brother.
It was like they were old friends saying hello...saying sorry...looking through my smile as I was looking through theirs. His grandfather kept talking to me, but all their faces were all a blur...

I barely looked at him. It was like I was embarrassed to. I just wanted to look at him awhile longer, but I felt like I couldn't because I didn't want to loose it in front of his mom.
You never expect to bury your baby. You never expect to attend your grandson's funeral.

His girlfriend is so pretty. I saw her collapse into people's arms...it was nearly terrifying.
It hurt to look at Jesse. It hurt more to look at Jesse crying than anyone else.

It was a terrible accident...go Google it...Edinboro PA car accident November 11....
Stupidity. Stupid kids. It was no true accident, just plain old stupidity, Sheldon the innocent bystander.
You never expect a triple fatal.
You never expect to die when you're young and healthy.

So think about your expectations...think about the time you've spent...the time you're spending, and the time you have left.

“The important thing is what can’t be seen…”

“Of course…"

“It’s the same as for the flower. If you love a flower that lives on a star, then it’s good, at night, to look up at the sky. All the stars are blossoming.”

“Of course…”

“It’s the same for the water. The water you gave me to drink was like music, on account of the pulley and the rope…You remember…It was good.”

“Of course…”

“At night, you’ll look up at the stars. It’s too small, where I live, for me to show you where my star is. It’s better that way. My star will be…one of the stars, for you. So you’ll like looking at all of them. They’ll all be your friends. And besides, I have a present for you.” He laughed again.

“Ah little fellow, little fellow, I love hearing that laugh!”

“That’ll be my present. Just that…It’ll be the same as for the water.”

“What do you mean?”

"People have stars, but they aren't the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they're nothing but tiny lights. And for still others, for scholars, they're problems. For my businessman, they were gold. But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you'll have stars like nobody else."

"What do you mean?"

And he laughed again.

"And when you're consoled (everyone is eventually consoled), you'll be glad you've known me. You'll always be my friend. You'll feel like laughing with me. And you'll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it... And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars. They always make me laugh!"

***

“You must understand. It’s too far. I can’t take this body with me. It’s too heavy.”

I said nothing.

“But it’ll be like an old abandoned shell. There’s nothing sad about an old shell…”

I said nothing.

He was a little disheartened now. But he made one more effort.

“It’ll be nice, you know. I’ll be looking at the stars, too. All the stars will be wells with a rusty pulley. All the stars will pour out water for me to drink…”

I said nothing.

“And it’ll be fun! You’ll have five-hundred million little bells; I’ll have five-hundred million springs of fresh water…”

excerpts from:
The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Last night a friend of mine, Sheldon, passed away in a car accident. I haven't seen him enough in the past couple of years, but he was one of my dear friend Jesse's best friends. Sheldon was not a part of my everyday life, but he was part of everyday life for many of my close friends, for whom I am concerned. This all breaks my heart, and I hate to have to see my friends go through such pain.
Sheldon was/is a great guy. He was always smiling.
I really can't believe all this has happened. It doesn't seem real yet.

"You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed."

So...
I am soooo good at anxiety.  So good.  I can probably freak myself out about anything if I try (or lack there of).  So over the weekend, I told Jeremiah that relationships stress me way out...even if they are good.  Ever since I started college, relationships just make my anxiety blow right out of the water...or rather, I make relationships make my anxiety blow up.  It really sucks.  I also told Jeremiah that I can convince myself completely that he wants nothing to do with me.  At the time I told him, it really did feel silly that I ever thought that way because when I'm with him I feel so comfortable.  I was like, "Yeah, that's crazy right?"  
Blah...well...obviously it doesn't matter how well we get along, or how well any relationship is going; nothing will keep me from thinking I'm worthless and unlovable.  There will always be something for me to be freaking out about. 

I'm so mad at myself right now.    Mostly because I know how badly I want this and don't want to eff it up by being completely insane.  A solution would probably be to not be so down on myself...I can never let myself get too comfortable...heaven FORBID I deserve anything comfortable, so when it's comfortable...I suspect a looming catastrophe because NOTHING would go that swell for a lame-o like me.  Weeee! 
PS....things are quite swell...

Not only that, but I'm freaking out about school.  I have sooo much freaking work to do.  And although being with Jeremiah usually relaxes me, it usually means I'm neglecting something to hang out with him.  I used to be in the studio almost every night.  The more my anxiety goes up, the less I want to do anything...the less I can do work.  It's like it's not possible to get started on anything...I'm way too busy messing with things that don't matter and I also end up sleeping a lot.  I'm so behind in drawing that I'm convinced I won't get anything done so I don't bother trying.  I haven't painted in two weeks.  
I scheduled my classes for next semester and I'm not even sure about what I'm suppose to be taking.  I'm waaaay behind on art electives...a whole semester's worth (5 classes).  I don't know how people get an art degree in 4 years without killing themselves because getting in all required art classes would be like...2 studios a semester.  Then add on the art electives, which is 21 credits, so you've gotta have a few semesters in there with at least 3 studios.  I dunno what I'm going to take for my art electives.  I was thinking maybe another metals class and/or some painting electives if any are available. 

Look at me wasting time!  I was going to go to the studio...but I've convinced myself that my head hurts too much and I deserve to go to bed early. Although, my head really does feel like it might explode...my whole face is sore.

What a waste. 

*le sigh*

I'm such a girl. 

*le sigh*
*le sigh*
*le sigh*
*le sigh*

Do not drink caffeine if you are in a heightened state of alert/anxiety!!!!

Good grief.

I think I know a bit how Susie feels when she's on her meds. 

So I've been anxious to begin with worrying about my boyfriend and his exgirlfriend who I am pretty good friends with.  Anxiety from that (thank goodness) is coming down.  But I had a bottle of mountain dew and a large coffee (and no food) this morning AND add on top of that taking an Art History exam AND watching a Hitchcock film in my film class.  Man...that movie got my palms all sweaty..I'm sure it had a lot to do with the coffee though.  By the time I was in my drawing class I was so shakey that I felt like I could barely write let alone draw.  Blarg.  

I think i will have some nachos now.

I am feeling much better now.
I went to the studio and listened to some A New Earth while I drew.  I like to get my thoughts all wrapped up and messed up and they get influenced by past grievances and resentment.  I get so caught up in the "what has happened" and the "what could happen" and how to manipulate or fix or get what I want out of the "what will happen" that I fail to see the "what is".  I forget about the now.  People do it all the time; they get mixed up in how to make what they have better and end up never satisfied.  It continues in a constant struggle and want for more, which ends up feeding unhappiness and discontentment.  There is always something wrong.  Something missing, something not perfect.  There is always a way to manipulate the now in hopes that the future will be better.    

Also, people tend to have a false sense of happiness due to high expectations of the future rather than a realistic view of the now. 
Everything get so distorted when it's influenced by the past, and thoughts/expectations of the future.   

Sigh.
Okay bed.

I don't want to live a life afraid of everything.
I don't want to live contently, I want to live happily.
I want to live a life useful.
Sometimes when things which make me happy are in front of me but I'm too scared to just embrace it.
What do I want? I don't know...I just let things happen to me. Wither or not I should be more in control, I don't know. I'd still like to think that the best things in life are the ones which are not planned, not controlled and not manipulated.
Am I happy? Yes.
Am I scared? Yes.
Because in the past, things have left as soon as they arrived.
I should probably just trust my gut...you know what it's saying?
Go for it.
I'm pretty certain they are...

It rarely does that.
Go for it...and that's an amazing feeling...

You can't receive until you give! That's what they are telling me...
Right now, they aren't really thinking about being hurt, they are thinking about being happy...
Haha...I'm thinking about being happy.

I am procrastinating doing laundry.  I have $6 in quarters...and I need to get some of it done at least.  Jeremiah and I are going to have dinner when he gets off work ^_^.  I think I'll make him up a little bag of candy since my mom sent me a whole bunch.  ^_^ I like to share. 
My jaw hurts and I'm not really sure why.  Just the right side.  It's hard to chew things... :( maybe it's my wisdom teeth?  
BLAH anyway...I'm putting off doing laundry....
I should probably go do that.

I can't believe I just left one of my best friends.
He'll never want to see me again.
He'll be better off without me.
I don't deserve him.
I don't deserve anyone like him.

I've got freaking snot all over the sleeves of my sweat shirt...ewww....
my face is so sore from crying I think it might peel off.  

At least Juno likes me.  Or maybe it's just my electric blanket.... She's on my bed.  I always appreciate it when my kitty comes to me when I'm crying, so it's comforting that Juno is here.  *sleepy kitty face smush* Awwww Nipper!

I'm going to get some ice cream.
Heath Bar....Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
better than rum....

Today I went to Cleveland with the Drawing and Painting club.  It was pretty sweet.  I got to ride up with an Alpha Psi Omega brother of mine, Jen...who is not an art major, but she is dating the president of Drawing and Painting club so she went along with us.  I rode with her and it was nice talking to her.  I got to see Gaunguin, and some Van Gogh, and Monet, Picasso, Cezanne, Matisse, among many others. 

It was a long day.
I barely slept last night.
I finally shut my tv off at around 4am.  I laid in bed for almost an hour because my head hurt so bad; I'd been crying a lot.  Like...even right now the tears are spilling out of my eyes.  Anyway, at 5, I got up and got a shower and then ate a bowl of cereal hoping it would make me sleepy.  In the morning, I woke up to someone calling me asking where I was...It was 8:25...we were suppose to be there at 8:20....Leaving at 8:30.  Thank goodness they were stopping at the bagel shop in Edinboro so I had time to catch up.  I was shaking so much.
All day my eyes felt so heavy I thought they were going to roll out of thier sockets.  

Why...?
Because I am thinking about letting go of one of the only people who's given me a chance.  Ever.
He's like...my best friend.
I don't want him to know how much I'm loosing it inside. 

Getting a new phone!  I'm on a family plan and we are due for a phone upgrade!!!!  Weeeeee!!!!
Nathan and I are also going to split the costs of an unlimited texting plan that can be used by all 4 of us on the family plan, but since mom and dad probably won't do it, Nathan and I agreed to split $30. 

I have never had texting.  Actually, back in high school, our phones were capable of texting but we never got a plan, but sometimes I still sent texts...and got in trouble...and them mom shut off all texting---sending or recieving. 

Soooo...I'm pretty excited about having that.  yay!

Oh, and I gotta get a lot of stuff done yesterday.  Laundry...ugh.  And studying for my Drawing class test---drawing test?? Yes.  Well, it's the Anatomy of the Human Head class, so we have to learn the proper terms for parts of the skull and musculature.  We have a bone test monday.
 Today I went to the studio...Got a value study of my face done.
Blahaaaahhhhh
Bed.

I find myself only wanting to write on live journal when I'm falling apart and am too embarrassed to talk to a person about my problems to their face.

News flash!!!!
I am not falling apart!

LoL.
Yes, I still deal with not wanting to go to class, not doing work...etc. For the past week my problems with getting school stuff done has been increasing---but it's nowhere near where it was a couple of years ago. I've prolly been slacking off (I HAVE been slacking off) because I'm being a little socialite. Well, not exactly, but I went to the bar the past 2 nights and I have a friend who invited me to go to a party tonight. Not sure if I'll end up going, but perhaps. I have to get some coke and orange juice....you know...because I like coke...and orange juice...

My roommate Lacey is pretty cool.  I end up spending a lot of time with her and her boyfriend Geoff.  We go to hang out at the Keg, we talk quite a lot, she invites me places.  It's nice.  And she's pretty laid back, and I feel like her energy is on the positive side...and it's nice to be around. 

Today's wonderful events....
Grandma came up to visit, but it was actually pretty stressful. See, my brakes have been squealing pretty badly lately--maybe a few weeks before school started. I told dad THEN that they were squealing, but he didn't do anything.
So...I had to fork over $350 for new brake pads and rotors...or something. Well...that didn't sit too well with me because it was an unexpected $350 and I have other things I need to get with that money (who doesn't!?!?!). I cried because I was frustrated and I'm pretty sure I'm due for Aunt Red next week, so...you know...I'm hormonal and anything that makes me feel like crying makes me end up actually crying.  Anyway...after taking my car to the mechanic, he tells us that the front brakes were squealing and would be $350, and that the back brakes...something was cracking and weren't falling apart yet, but should be replaced within the next month...and that it would come to a grand total of $540something.  We told him to just do the front brakes for now, and that I would call him after I talked to my dad if we decided to get the back brakes done as well.  He was a really nice guy. 
Well...

I cried when we got home because I was afraid of my money situation, and it made me nervous.  Plus Mom called and had to be her usual bitch self.  You know, instead of acting like a grown-up and being calm and motherly, "It's okay Kristen, things like this happen.  You have a good amount of money in your savings you can always transfer to your PNC account..."   She had to be all i'm-always-right-snippy-i'm-going-to-interrupt-you-and-not-listen-so-i-can-get-more-pissed-and-be-a-total-bitch and she told me to suck it up and that if I want a car I'm going to have to pay to take care of it.  I think she was expecting me to expect her to pay for it, which I never implied...but she was talking to me like I wanted her to pay for it.
I tried explaining to her that it was $350 PLUS the back brakes.  Yesterday he gave her an estimate of $327 and she *plays stupid* couldn't understand why it went up to $500something.  I was like, "It doesn't matter what he told you yesterday, that was just an estimate based on what you were telling him.  He looked at the car and saw that the back brakes need work too."  (Does that make sense to YOU?  Was I not being clear enough?)
Instead of shutting her stupid mouth for two seconds to listen to me she kept interrupting me with stupid questions I was trying to answer and wouldn't even let me finish my sentances. I swear to god I tried explaining it to her 5 times and she wouldn't freaking listen.  She was playing stupid just so she could bitch some more.  I told her to just stop talking and let me explain and I told her that she wasn't listening to me.  And she said in her bitch voice, "Excuuuuuuuseee meeeee?????"  Then I said, "I'm done trying to explain this to you if you won't listen.  I don't need to be talked to like this right now, I'm already upset.  You don't need to talk to me like I'm stupid."
I walked away from the phone, which by the way was on speaker phone so my grandma could chime in on the conversation.  I sat on the couch, put a pillow over my face and bawled like a baby, meanwhile still trying to scream things to her on the phone in the kitchen. 

Bryan and Tim were upstairs probably thinking I was having a temper tantrum.  

So her and Grandma talked for a little bit, and they hung up.  Grandma came over to me and I just started talking to her about how much of a bitch mom can be and how she can never shut her big mouth, listen, and use her common sense.  Grandma told me she tries to talk to her and tell her she needs to calm down all the time.  You know...but heaven forbid anyone tell MOM she has a problem.  
It's one thing to have anxiety.  It's another to have anxiety, not admit you have a problem, meanwhile making your family miserable.  Dad and Grandma have both told me they've suggested for Mom to see a professional for it, but she insists there's no problem.  She won't have it.  She won't listen.  I mean...even if she didn't have anxiety/anger/blah blah blaaaaah problems she's still dealing with having one kid away at school, one kid going away to the military/living in the city, a husband who is still unemployeed, and she's working 7 days a week.  On the other hand, she spends money as if Dad never lost his job.  Which angers me because Nathan and her got into fights because he didn't save money.  
I really just wanted to call Chris and yell about it...actually, he should have come up with Grandma so he could tell me to stop acting so crazy.  LoL.  :(  APPLE FEST NEXT WEEKEND!!! Chris and I are going.  Yummm...apple pie....
Anyway...
She she should see someone, and be put on pills.  And even if she chooses not to take them, she still needs to talk to someone who's guidance is professional, because appearantly she thinks she knows more than me, Nathan, Dad, or Grandma.  I feel like we need to have somekind of intervention and tell her how we all feel about this whole thing.  I'll put in my two sense about "I've taken psych classes mom, and I was on meds for anxiety/depression.  I know what anxiety feels like" even though, I'm sure that whatever is causing her behavior is different than mine.  Mine was more paranoia....I don't really know what kind hers is.

Anyway...to make things worse, (not really worse) after I calmed down, Matthew walks in the door.  I peek out of the kitchen and say, "Oh...it's you.  Hi." and I went back into the kitchen.  He kinda lingered, asked where Bryan and Tim were and went upstairs.  Later I asked him about the ring, he came back down...ring was too small...said he'd get it back to normal...wasn't really that bad.  Matthew I mean.  /Shrug.  But my eyes probably looked puffy.  

Lacey...KEG.  Later.

Never ever compare me in the likeness of Amanda Steadman.  Ever.

Thank you very kindly and have a great day.

Chris and I have the best ones.
Well, maybe not to you.
He's pretty hilarious.  He came to stay for a couple of nights.
He helped me film this thing for my film and video production class...it's pretty cheesy...har har...
Okay...so we decided to make a story about the resident pet mice at our apartment (brilliant to film a creature you have NO control over, right?).  The mouse makes an escape because it knows it's going to be snake food...so he blasts off in a space ship.  Yep.  It's pretty sweet.  It's probably going to get me lots of jobs and win an Oscar.  I made the space ship myself.  It's called the "U.S.S. Moon Cheese" 
One of the mice bit Chris.  I felt really bad, but it was pretty funny at the same time. 

Actually, I'm pretty embarassed I have to show it in class.  But hopefully the cuteness of the mouse will distract everyone from how ridiculous it is.

Well...I probably have loads more to write about, but I'm quite sleepy.  And I have to pee really badly and....
Yeah, I better go do that. 

I'm getting one of those slowly progressing tension headaches I get when I do art stuff for too long. I'm all bent down at my desk drawing these stupid "robotic conceptual head" drawings. There are about 17 of them total...and I did most of them in this sitting. Bad Idea. Should know better, but I HAVE to wait till the last minute...plus I talked to Chris on AIM for a while...and I have a full day tomorrow...you know--my 3 2.5hour classes in a row.
Brilliant.
Anyway...
I'm listening to Pandora....<3 <3
So I'm good for now.
Apologies for the unnecessary ellipses...

So anyway...my facebook isn't lying when I say "drawing till I puke" cuz I really feel kinda sick right now.  Blah.

Oh..PS
Is it weird that I got birthday stuff to give my ex for his birthday?  I was thinking if he was up soon to give me my ring back I could be like, "Hey I got you this...thanks for fixing my ring".  That's not weird is it?  And it's like, things I found in the toy aisle...Anyway...I had to.  Hahaha....And I got another friend of mine stuff too...soooooooooooo...okay.  I like presents.