It's here...

*le sigh*

I'm such a girl. 

*le sigh*
*le sigh*
*le sigh*
*le sigh*

Do not drink caffeine if you are in a heightened state of alert/anxiety!!!!

Good grief.

I think I know a bit how Susie feels when she's on her meds. 

So I've been anxious to begin with worrying about my boyfriend and his exgirlfriend who I am pretty good friends with.  Anxiety from that (thank goodness) is coming down.  But I had a bottle of mountain dew and a large coffee (and no food) this morning AND add on top of that taking an Art History exam AND watching a Hitchcock film in my film class.  Man...that movie got my palms all sweaty..I'm sure it had a lot to do with the coffee though.  By the time I was in my drawing class I was so shakey that I felt like I could barely write let alone draw.  Blarg.  

I think i will have some nachos now.

I am feeling much better now.
I went to the studio and listened to some A New Earth while I drew.  I like to get my thoughts all wrapped up and messed up and they get influenced by past grievances and resentment.  I get so caught up in the "what has happened" and the "what could happen" and how to manipulate or fix or get what I want out of the "what will happen" that I fail to see the "what is".  I forget about the now.  People do it all the time; they get mixed up in how to make what they have better and end up never satisfied.  It continues in a constant struggle and want for more, which ends up feeding unhappiness and discontentment.  There is always something wrong.  Something missing, something not perfect.  There is always a way to manipulate the now in hopes that the future will be better.    

Also, people tend to have a false sense of happiness due to high expectations of the future rather than a realistic view of the now. 
Everything get so distorted when it's influenced by the past, and thoughts/expectations of the future.   

Sigh.
Okay bed.

I don't want to live a life afraid of everything.
I don't want to live contently, I want to live happily.
I want to live a life useful.
Sometimes when things which make me happy are in front of me but I'm too scared to just embrace it.
What do I want? I don't know...I just let things happen to me. Wither or not I should be more in control, I don't know. I'd still like to think that the best things in life are the ones which are not planned, not controlled and not manipulated.
Am I happy? Yes.
Am I scared? Yes.
Because in the past, things have left as soon as they arrived.
I should probably just trust my gut...you know what it's saying?
Go for it.
I'm pretty certain they are...

It rarely does that.
Go for it...and that's an amazing feeling...

You can't receive until you give! That's what they are telling me...
Right now, they aren't really thinking about being hurt, they are thinking about being happy...
Haha...I'm thinking about being happy.

I am procrastinating doing laundry.  I have $6 in quarters...and I need to get some of it done at least.  Jeremiah and I are going to have dinner when he gets off work ^_^.  I think I'll make him up a little bag of candy since my mom sent me a whole bunch.  ^_^ I like to share. 
My jaw hurts and I'm not really sure why.  Just the right side.  It's hard to chew things... :( maybe it's my wisdom teeth?  
BLAH anyway...I'm putting off doing laundry....
I should probably go do that.

I can't believe I just left one of my best friends.
He'll never want to see me again.
He'll be better off without me.
I don't deserve him.
I don't deserve anyone like him.

I've got freaking snot all over the sleeves of my sweat shirt...ewww....
my face is so sore from crying I think it might peel off.  

At least Juno likes me.  Or maybe it's just my electric blanket.... She's on my bed.  I always appreciate it when my kitty comes to me when I'm crying, so it's comforting that Juno is here.  *sleepy kitty face smush* Awwww Nipper!

I'm going to get some ice cream.
Heath Bar....Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
better than rum....

Today I went to Cleveland with the Drawing and Painting club.  It was pretty sweet.  I got to ride up with an Alpha Psi Omega brother of mine, Jen...who is not an art major, but she is dating the president of Drawing and Painting club so she went along with us.  I rode with her and it was nice talking to her.  I got to see Gaunguin, and some Van Gogh, and Monet, Picasso, Cezanne, Matisse, among many others. 

It was a long day.
I barely slept last night.
I finally shut my tv off at around 4am.  I laid in bed for almost an hour because my head hurt so bad; I'd been crying a lot.  Like...even right now the tears are spilling out of my eyes.  Anyway, at 5, I got up and got a shower and then ate a bowl of cereal hoping it would make me sleepy.  In the morning, I woke up to someone calling me asking where I was...It was 8:25...we were suppose to be there at 8:20....Leaving at 8:30.  Thank goodness they were stopping at the bagel shop in Edinboro so I had time to catch up.  I was shaking so much.
All day my eyes felt so heavy I thought they were going to roll out of thier sockets.  

Why...?
Because I am thinking about letting go of one of the only people who's given me a chance.  Ever.
He's like...my best friend.
I don't want him to know how much I'm loosing it inside. 

Getting a new phone!  I'm on a family plan and we are due for a phone upgrade!!!!  Weeeeee!!!!
Nathan and I are also going to split the costs of an unlimited texting plan that can be used by all 4 of us on the family plan, but since mom and dad probably won't do it, Nathan and I agreed to split $30. 

I have never had texting.  Actually, back in high school, our phones were capable of texting but we never got a plan, but sometimes I still sent texts...and got in trouble...and them mom shut off all texting---sending or recieving. 

Soooo...I'm pretty excited about having that.  yay!

Oh, and I gotta get a lot of stuff done yesterday.  Laundry...ugh.  And studying for my Drawing class test---drawing test?? Yes.  Well, it's the Anatomy of the Human Head class, so we have to learn the proper terms for parts of the skull and musculature.  We have a bone test monday.
 Today I went to the studio...Got a value study of my face done.
Blahaaaahhhhh
Bed.

I find myself only wanting to write on live journal when I'm falling apart and am too embarrassed to talk to a person about my problems to their face.

News flash!!!!
I am not falling apart!

LoL.
Yes, I still deal with not wanting to go to class, not doing work...etc. For the past week my problems with getting school stuff done has been increasing---but it's nowhere near where it was a couple of years ago. I've prolly been slacking off (I HAVE been slacking off) because I'm being a little socialite. Well, not exactly, but I went to the bar the past 2 nights and I have a friend who invited me to go to a party tonight. Not sure if I'll end up going, but perhaps. I have to get some coke and orange juice....you know...because I like coke...and orange juice...

My roommate Lacey is pretty cool.  I end up spending a lot of time with her and her boyfriend Geoff.  We go to hang out at the Keg, we talk quite a lot, she invites me places.  It's nice.  And she's pretty laid back, and I feel like her energy is on the positive side...and it's nice to be around. 

Today's wonderful events....
Grandma came up to visit, but it was actually pretty stressful. See, my brakes have been squealing pretty badly lately--maybe a few weeks before school started. I told dad THEN that they were squealing, but he didn't do anything.
So...I had to fork over $350 for new brake pads and rotors...or something. Well...that didn't sit too well with me because it was an unexpected $350 and I have other things I need to get with that money (who doesn't!?!?!). I cried because I was frustrated and I'm pretty sure I'm due for Aunt Red next week, so...you know...I'm hormonal and anything that makes me feel like crying makes me end up actually crying.  Anyway...after taking my car to the mechanic, he tells us that the front brakes were squealing and would be $350, and that the back brakes...something was cracking and weren't falling apart yet, but should be replaced within the next month...and that it would come to a grand total of $540something.  We told him to just do the front brakes for now, and that I would call him after I talked to my dad if we decided to get the back brakes done as well.  He was a really nice guy. 
Well...

I cried when we got home because I was afraid of my money situation, and it made me nervous.  Plus Mom called and had to be her usual bitch self.  You know, instead of acting like a grown-up and being calm and motherly, "It's okay Kristen, things like this happen.  You have a good amount of money in your savings you can always transfer to your PNC account..."   She had to be all i'm-always-right-snippy-i'm-going-to-interrupt-you-and-not-listen-so-i-can-get-more-pissed-and-be-a-total-bitch and she told me to suck it up and that if I want a car I'm going to have to pay to take care of it.  I think she was expecting me to expect her to pay for it, which I never implied...but she was talking to me like I wanted her to pay for it.
I tried explaining to her that it was $350 PLUS the back brakes.  Yesterday he gave her an estimate of $327 and she *plays stupid* couldn't understand why it went up to $500something.  I was like, "It doesn't matter what he told you yesterday, that was just an estimate based on what you were telling him.  He looked at the car and saw that the back brakes need work too."  (Does that make sense to YOU?  Was I not being clear enough?)
Instead of shutting her stupid mouth for two seconds to listen to me she kept interrupting me with stupid questions I was trying to answer and wouldn't even let me finish my sentances. I swear to god I tried explaining it to her 5 times and she wouldn't freaking listen.  She was playing stupid just so she could bitch some more.  I told her to just stop talking and let me explain and I told her that she wasn't listening to me.  And she said in her bitch voice, "Excuuuuuuuseee meeeee?????"  Then I said, "I'm done trying to explain this to you if you won't listen.  I don't need to be talked to like this right now, I'm already upset.  You don't need to talk to me like I'm stupid."
I walked away from the phone, which by the way was on speaker phone so my grandma could chime in on the conversation.  I sat on the couch, put a pillow over my face and bawled like a baby, meanwhile still trying to scream things to her on the phone in the kitchen. 

Bryan and Tim were upstairs probably thinking I was having a temper tantrum.  

So her and Grandma talked for a little bit, and they hung up.  Grandma came over to me and I just started talking to her about how much of a bitch mom can be and how she can never shut her big mouth, listen, and use her common sense.  Grandma told me she tries to talk to her and tell her she needs to calm down all the time.  You know...but heaven forbid anyone tell MOM she has a problem.  
It's one thing to have anxiety.  It's another to have anxiety, not admit you have a problem, meanwhile making your family miserable.  Dad and Grandma have both told me they've suggested for Mom to see a professional for it, but she insists there's no problem.  She won't have it.  She won't listen.  I mean...even if she didn't have anxiety/anger/blah blah blaaaaah problems she's still dealing with having one kid away at school, one kid going away to the military/living in the city, a husband who is still unemployeed, and she's working 7 days a week.  On the other hand, she spends money as if Dad never lost his job.  Which angers me because Nathan and her got into fights because he didn't save money.  
I really just wanted to call Chris and yell about it...actually, he should have come up with Grandma so he could tell me to stop acting so crazy.  LoL.  :(  APPLE FEST NEXT WEEKEND!!! Chris and I are going.  Yummm...apple pie....
Anyway...
She she should see someone, and be put on pills.  And even if she chooses not to take them, she still needs to talk to someone who's guidance is professional, because appearantly she thinks she knows more than me, Nathan, Dad, or Grandma.  I feel like we need to have somekind of intervention and tell her how we all feel about this whole thing.  I'll put in my two sense about "I've taken psych classes mom, and I was on meds for anxiety/depression.  I know what anxiety feels like" even though, I'm sure that whatever is causing her behavior is different than mine.  Mine was more paranoia....I don't really know what kind hers is.

Anyway...to make things worse, (not really worse) after I calmed down, Matthew walks in the door.  I peek out of the kitchen and say, "Oh...it's you.  Hi." and I went back into the kitchen.  He kinda lingered, asked where Bryan and Tim were and went upstairs.  Later I asked him about the ring, he came back down...ring was too small...said he'd get it back to normal...wasn't really that bad.  Matthew I mean.  /Shrug.  But my eyes probably looked puffy.  

Lacey...KEG.  Later.

Never ever compare me in the likeness of Amanda Steadman.  Ever.

Thank you very kindly and have a great day.

Chris and I have the best ones.
Well, maybe not to you.
He's pretty hilarious.  He came to stay for a couple of nights.
He helped me film this thing for my film and video production class...it's pretty cheesy...har har...
Okay...so we decided to make a story about the resident pet mice at our apartment (brilliant to film a creature you have NO control over, right?).  The mouse makes an escape because it knows it's going to be snake food...so he blasts off in a space ship.  Yep.  It's pretty sweet.  It's probably going to get me lots of jobs and win an Oscar.  I made the space ship myself.  It's called the "U.S.S. Moon Cheese" 
One of the mice bit Chris.  I felt really bad, but it was pretty funny at the same time. 

Actually, I'm pretty embarassed I have to show it in class.  But hopefully the cuteness of the mouse will distract everyone from how ridiculous it is.

Well...I probably have loads more to write about, but I'm quite sleepy.  And I have to pee really badly and....
Yeah, I better go do that. 

I'm getting one of those slowly progressing tension headaches I get when I do art stuff for too long. I'm all bent down at my desk drawing these stupid "robotic conceptual head" drawings. There are about 17 of them total...and I did most of them in this sitting. Bad Idea. Should know better, but I HAVE to wait till the last minute...plus I talked to Chris on AIM for a while...and I have a full day tomorrow...you know--my 3 2.5hour classes in a row.
Brilliant.
Anyway...
I'm listening to Pandora....<3 <3
So I'm good for now.
Apologies for the unnecessary ellipses...

So anyway...my facebook isn't lying when I say "drawing till I puke" cuz I really feel kinda sick right now.  Blah.

Oh..PS
Is it weird that I got birthday stuff to give my ex for his birthday?  I was thinking if he was up soon to give me my ring back I could be like, "Hey I got you this...thanks for fixing my ring".  That's not weird is it?  And it's like, things I found in the toy aisle...Anyway...I had to.  Hahaha....And I got another friend of mine stuff too...soooooooooooo...okay.  I like presents.

started yesterday. I am taking:
20th Century Art History
Film and Video Production I
Drawing - Human Head, Hands, and Feet
Wellness/Walking
Intermediate Painting II
Environmental Geology

20th Cent should be okay. It's just lecture and tests. I'm afraid of Film and Video...just because it's kind of foreign to me, even though I liked dabbling in home videos on movie maker...which is hardly the same.

/shrug.

Human head scares me. It's very technical....SCARY!!!! Ever since I have developed a more expressive painting style, I've seemed to have lost that tight/detail drawing/painting ability. Eh.

I am excited about my classes, but kinda scared about the work load. I'll deal.

I really do miss Chris.
I really don't want to be with anyone else right now. I'm quite content with the way things are. ^_^ Heeeeee....

I fell asleep with her on my bed last night. I don't hold grudges for very long. haha.

I was also pretty drunk last night so I probably wouldn't have done anything if she had peed. Have a bit of a headache this morning. A BIG bit of a headache. I haven't really eaten much yet today for fear that I might get sick. This is what I get for not drinking enough water...or too much alcohol for that matter. But this was the first real shin-dig of the year that I've been to soooo...it was like a big ol' welcome back party. I discovered that coconut rum and coke is a pretty tasty combination. The coconut does just the right thing to cover the alcohol after taste.

But I got to see lots of my friends at the bar and such. It was a good time...minus that I was not planning on ending up at the bar, so I wasn't really dressed for it. I was just in jeans, a kinda nice girly tee shirt, and my vans...meanwhile there were all these girls dressed all cute. It was still fun though.

Just got back from the club rush. I was there promoting Alpha Psi Omega and University Players. We got quite a few people to join our mailing list but I wonder how many will actually come to the meetings. We are starving for new people. We graduated a lot last semester, and we'll have another good round of people leaving after next semester. I am VP of Players...I was kind of nervous about it, but when I think about it...I know what I'm doing in that theatre. I'm going on my fourth year!!! I know the ropes.

I really do miss Chris. Haha...I called him last night...that was a great conversation. I think I pretty much talked the entire time. ^_^
I hope things keep going well...

Well, time for my "good bye headache" nap.

So
Washed my bed stuff. Got a new foamy thing.

I also got a plastic table cloth. In case any of you happen to come by and sit on my bed, I'm sorry if it crunches. It's a plastic table cloth...you know, to act like one of those bed wetting plastic things you get for little kids. I'm not a bed wetter, but...I must have some precaution against kitty pees in the future. Lets hope it doesn't happen again...but...for now, I have a bed wetting defense!

Why does cat pee have to smell so horribly disgusting...ick.

Things are going quite well here. I went to Erie lake last night. It was a bit chilly for swimming, but I went in anyway. My friend was suppose to call me earlier to work out this after noon.

So...Fuck.
I was just going to comment on how delicious my room smells because of the incense i bought...and for a bit i thought I smelled like...really strong mint or a really strong smell and I wondered why...then I thought I smelled cat piss...and I thought...Nooooo...surely not...because some times incense smells a little weird sometimes, or spicy...but
Sure enough...I just looked...I think Juno (the cat) just left a nice wet spot on my bed.

Ick.
Well...Laundry time I guess. *sigh* and to think I was happy to find Juno being friendly and cuddling on my bed. :(
Now I'm sad. And kinda angry. Actually, I'm really tired of cat piss at home. Like...when I find that Rhylee has pissed on something, I get really mad. Grrr...thought I got away from it. At least it looks like Juno just decided to pop a squat on my bed...because it doesn't look like she was marking considering the pee wasn't on a vertical surface and usually when cats mark it's just a dribble.

*grumble*

Mostly.
I have lots of things to do, including painting that ironing board.  Ick.  Holly Hobbie style.  Heh. 
Still have to get stuff for on my walls down here in the basement.  Think I'm gonna go to the "alternative store" (aka hippie store) and get some wall hanging things.  They are expensive though.
And then I have to finish putting things away.  
And work on that scrap book for APO which I was going to finish this summer and didn't even touch.  
I also want to make apple dumplings.  Mmmmmm....but not till I get the rest of my stuff finished.  It shall be my reward....hehehe.  I have everything to make them.  I think I might have more time to get things done than I think.  Eh, we will see!!!

I swear I got  potioned or bitten...or something. 

Freaking....
Messing up my plans....

Boys....

Cuddled with Chris the other night...
and I'm going to hang out again tonight...and I keep looking at the clock and waiting....9:30...haha
Not too much longer to wait now...
Haha...oh man.  I really hope I'm not doing anything foolish. 
We talked...take it easy...I'm leaving for school soon...I'm afraid if I end up breaking his heart again, our friendship will terminate for good....and so will my friendship with his sister and the rest of his family. 

Bah.

So my uncle's auction was today.  Sold a ton of stuff.  I thought about bidding on some furniture...that I don't need.  My roommates have the apartment all furnished and I was just thinking, "well, if I had my own apartment...When I have my own apartment..."  But it's just too much stuff to be having around.  Saw a girl there that is my old baby sitter's grand daughter.  She was a baby when I went there.  Now she's thirteen...and a very chattery teenager.  She wanted me to come over to her house...haha...but I needed to come home.  And she told me that she looked up to me...part of me was like, "Awww..." and the other part was like, "Girl..why?  I'm lame.  You don't know me...I haven't talked to you in 8-9 years."  But it's a good feeling I guess.  And I wish I feel worth being looked up to.  I kindof want to help with Girl Scouting in Edinboro, but I'm not sure how I'd get into it.  

Okay.  Chris is home.  Hee.

Maybe.
I stayed at Chris's till nearly 6 am. I dated Chris last summer...But broke up with him for a number of reasons. One being that he liked me waaaay a lot and I just wasn't at that level and I didn't like feeling that way and I didn't think it was fair to him...I had too much going on. I was still quite unstable, on meds, not over Ian yet.
I guess this summer I really remembered why I liked him to begin with. He's so freaking funny, his smile is great, and he's like...one of those people who will be there for a friend when they need them, even if he's got crap going on of his own at the time. I really really trust him, and I'm really not intimidated by him at all. And he likes me so much, and I want that so much.
And I really kind of miss him right now, and I'm trying to feel what kind of mode I'm in...
If I'm being needy and crap...reboundy...stuff...I don't know where all this feeling came from all of a sudden...and I know he's really content right now, but I'm still a little scared because I keep thinking, "I'm going to school...He's running for Forest Co. Representative in January...if he doesn't get it he's moving to DC...DC is nice...I could live there...um...wait...what about the Peace Corps...or AmeriCorps...what about Grad school...how would we fit together...he wants to be a politician...republican at that...haha...Remember how you wished you would have just stayed friends?  Remember how being in a relationship with him threatened that friendship?"  Ugh...

Anyway, I stayed soooo long.  We were talking so much and I think that although I was talking around stuff, I was quite open with him.  I really wanted to put my head on his shoulder...and I did.  It felt nice.

I'm still scared.  Happy...confused....ugh...I don't know.