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Dec. 6th, 2010

painting, abstract


 Snow.  Ugh.  I just shoveled and it sucked.  Probably will be all snowed in within the next hour or so.  :(
They finally just cancelled school for the rest of the day and tomorrow there is a two hour delay.  But it was too late by now for my friend, Amanda, who fell and broke her leg today on campus.  If it's snowing enough that the school can't keep up with plowing, then they should cancel.  People were walking on the roads all over the place today and I'm afraid that someone was bound to get hit.  
It's kinda pretty though...minus the having to shovel/drive/trudge through it.  Haven't made it down to see the lake yet.  Welp, have to catch up on all the homework I neglected while I was stage managing.

Dec. 4th, 2010

painting, abstract

(no subject)

 Looking up what clothes plus size girls look best in.  Christmas is coming up soon and I'll probably go to OH to shop with mom.  She said most of the stores over there have a huge plus size selection...which I'm excited about.  Most of my clothes are too tight and most of them are just "cover up" clothes that I don't actually like.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a stupid complexion.  I didn't mind so much having a stupid complexion because I could put makeup on, plus I was cute.  Now that I don't feel so cute, I really hate my stupid complexion.  I don't really understand why I'm still so butterfaced and get acne like a teenager.  I never look fresh in any pictures....just shiny.  Shouldn't that be over by the time you're going on 23?

Dec. 3rd, 2010

painting, abstract


If everyone had their own small planet to live on and care for (like in The Little Prince), what would your planet be like?

Apr. 21st, 2010

painting, abstract

Computer undead

Chris reinstalled windows again to get my computer to work.  I hope it lasts at least till school is over.  I'm looking into getting another one though. 

Didn't get my project done for psych.  I dunno what to do...I might fail the class.  I'm secretly freaking out inside.

I've been working on the next UP production (which are all student run)-- "The Philadelphia" and "A Bird of Prey"  Tonight is opening night.  I told them I could help after Tuesday (the day my project was due) so in one week, I went from nothing to being Props Coordinator, Set painter, Stage Manager of "The Philadelphia", and Running light board operator...yeah...i think that's about it.  The girl who was stage manager for both shows ended up hardly doing anything as far as props goes...cuz she said she'd do them.  When I first sat in on rehearsals, I said to the one director, Mike, "Hey, where are all your props?"  "Oh, stage manager is getting them..."  "Oh, really?  Your show's in a WEEK Mike, you're actors should be rehearsing with them by now..."  So I started asking around for a prop list and no one had even made one, so I thought I might as well do it because I wanted the actors to have time to rehearse with them for at least a few run throughs.  Anyway, everything is all set...and I've been getting a bit agitated with a few people who should probably be stepping up a little more, but opening's tonight so it's not like there's anything to do about it now anyway.  Hopefully people will know next time how to better run/organize things.  It's just--when people don't do their job, or do what they are asked...and I know that it's happening and I don't do anything about it, I feel like it's my fault if something goes wrong because I didn't suck it up and pick up their slack.  But on the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm trying to butt in and take over someone's job.  I do my job well, and I know it has a lot to do with my attention to detail.  People can make fun of me for caring whither or not the table cloths are wrinkled but when the professors watch the show, they will notice if they aren't ironed.  It's stupid things like that.  Actually, I better start getting ready for tonight.  

Going to Texas next week.  Nathan is graduating from basic training!  We will be there for like...5 days or something.  I'm excited...I've never flown before. 

Mar. 29th, 2010

painting, abstract

Moon Face

I'm sorry if me talking about weight bothers anyone.
I know some of you have EDs, and I don't...I almost feel guilty for posting about it.  But I really shouldn't...it's something that's really been bothering me lately.

Chris spent a couple nights in Edinboro.  The second night we watched a movie and afterward I went to go to the bathroom before bed.  When I looked in the mirror, I saw that I had gotten new acne.  I just started crying.  My acne is worse now than it ever was in highschool.  I don't get it...I'm 22...why am I still getting acne.  I use my cleanser and stuff how I'm suppose to, but it won't go away.  I hate it.  I looked ugly and I started crying in the bathroom.  I heard Chris start to walk up the stairs (cuz he had to get ready for bed too) so I hurried, trying to stop crying and I walked past him with my head down.  I went downstairs and changed, looked in my mirror in my room and started crying again.  I was smearing moisturizer and then zit stuff all over my face, but there were tears running down my face.  By the time Chris got back, I was just bawling.  I've been realizing that physically my peak has passed.  I talked to him, and i cried on him and I told him that I will never be as pretty as I once was ever again and that I will continue to get older and uglier and fatter.  Of course he disagreed.

The only time I've gained significant weight was when I'm on a medication.  I hate pills.  I gained 30 pounds on an anti depressant over about 6 months.  And most recently,  I gained 10-15 pounds within a matter of a couple weeks because I was taking steroids...which finally pushed me past the 'overweight' threshold.  When I'm not on a medication, I hardly gain or lose weight.  I never go past a certain threshold.  I gain the weight steadily on the med, then once I quit it I stop gaining weight.  And I stay there unless I try to lose weight.  Sometimes I do, I might gain it back, but I never seem to go past the high-water mark on my own regardless of my eating habits.  

Do I think that chubby or slightly overweight girls can't look good, or that they look gross and ugly?  No.  I don't.  Heavier/curvier girls can look just fine...they can look hot.   But most of them wear clothes that are made to fit their bodies at that size.  Most of my clothes are made for someone 10-30 (or more) pounds lighter.  Shirts stretch over my boobs, belly, and hips.  Jeans squish, pinch, cut into my belly.  Buttons bulge...or don't button at all.  My arms don't go into sleeves...or my arms get stuck in the sleeves...last year I got so mad I cut a shirt off of me.  Zippers don't zip.  I'm beyond size Larges.  I  think I think I can officially shop in Plus size.  I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe.  I need dress clothes, and jeans, and semi-nice shirts....I can barely afford bills, gas, and groceries.  But I'm embarassed because I used to be thin and people can tell that I've gained weight.  I'm so mad that I never appreciated how skinny I was.  I look back at my high school pictures and I wish I would have realized how pretty I was.  I think about that now, and I think about when I'm having kids and busy and gaining more weight...and when I look in the mirror now, I try so hard to find the feminine hour-glass shape, and I try so hard to see myself as still an average female size. 

There's a major problem with physical appearance correlating with self worth in a lot of girls and women of all ages.  How can someone who's a great and caring person feel disgusting and worthless just because they gain weight or something about their appearance it's perfect?  Shouldn't people who treat others like crap feel disgusting and worthless?  Ugh.
I hate it.

Mar. 26th, 2010

painting, abstract


So, one of my friends, Aaron, deleted me on facebook.  Ugh.  Yeah, I know it's just facebook but honestly it's like a slap in the face and like he's deleting me as a friend all together.

First of all, I haven't really seen him all semester and I wouldn't doubt he blames me.  Guess what buddy? Friendships work two ways.  I was busy with school then I started getting sick and freaked out, then I got REALLY sick and went home for a month.  Sorry I was too busy trying to get rid of the slimy aliens that began to reside in my throat. 

Secondly, I posted a facebook statement related to the heathcare issue and he responded with "How about a nice big plate of FUCK OFF".  Cute.  Really cute.  That TOTALLY makes me respect your opinion...*eyeroll*.  If I had made a personal attack at Aaron, yeah, maybe then it would warrant retaliation.  But did I? No.  Did I make a generalization that he might have fit into? Possibly.  Usually when I make statements, I make sure to say, "Not all people who blah blah blah would do this but, a lot will..." but this was my first politically related statement on facebook and at the time of posting I was angry.  Whatever, I didn't attack anyone personally and if someone has something to say in their defense they should be mature about it, not freaking swear at me.

Even if someone disagrees with me, I never hold anything personal against them and if they defend their viewpoints without getting hostile, I gain respect for them...EVEN IF THEY ARE APPOSING ME!!!  Saying "fuck off" to me means that you got angry and couldn't keep your mouth shut long enough to calm down and come up with a meaningful response.  If you don't agree, then convince me I'm wrong.  Use facts, trust worthy sources, and strong meaningful opinions to prove me wrong.  I'll certainly respect you more for that than "fuck off". 

Also, Ian pissed me off.  He said things to my cousin that he didn't need to say...he really really hates being proven wrong.  I really wanted to delete him.  Did I? No...it's not worth it.  It's not that big of a deal.  It's JUST a freakin facebook comment.  That's it. 

Okay...I'm done ranting.  Maybe once I calm down more, I'll send Aaron a message...if I can round up enough care to do so.

Mar. 24th, 2010

painting, abstract

(no subject)

Ugh, there's been a political explosion on my Facebook wall. 
It's up to 48 comments. 
I'm so tired of debating the health care issue (please don't comment any thing fiery...only if it's a somewhat neutral comment) I've run out of smoke.  For now, as far as this issue goes, I'm going to just sit around and self educate about it and not worry about debating it so much because people get on their soap box and freak out and I just don't like it.  Boo.

Mar. 17th, 2010

painting, abstract

(no subject)

I'm back at school.
I'm so scared I won't be able to finish my classes.  Lacey insists that I talk to my print teacher, but I really don't want to finish print.  I guess I should...but I feel like I've done nothing in the class anyway...so why should I get credit for it?  I don't know.  I'm going to print class today...maybe talk to the professor.  I hate talking to professors.  

I am fat.
Quite literally.  I gained at least 10 pounds.  I went to walmart and bought sweat pants.  SWEAT PANTS! TO WEAR TO CLASS!  Ugh, I wore them to class yesterday and could hardly stand it.  I felt like I was wearing pajamas.  I mean...they were the fitted black kind that could almost pass for dress pants (but not really) and I wore a nice shirt with it and did my makeup nice, but I still felt like a bum.  My jeans are really uncomfortable to wear.  I have to squeeze into them and on top of that the steroids also make me feel all bloaty so....ugh.  And everytime you get one little thing on them, they look horribly dirty. 

I miss Chris.  :(
I spent much of last night being an emotional baby and I cried for a while.  I don't know why I cry.  I mean...it's not like anything is wrong.  It's just that he's not here...he's just home.  That's all.  It's not like he's leaving me or something...he's going to be waiting for me when I get home.  So I don't know why I cry so much...I just miss him.  While I was home sick we spent the night together most of the time. 
I feel like...Chris is a mix between that uncontrolled love/infatuation and companion/compatibility chosen significant other.  The last time I really really loved a boyfriend and they loved me back was when I was in high school.  Looking back at those relationships, I know that I was very young and really didn't know much about anything, or myself.  I didn't know why the relationship worked or didn't work.  I didn't know what I needed, or what the other person needed....I just didn't have a WHY for anything.
With Chris I feel like....it's a more mature relationship.  Chris and I are very good at acting like kids, but that's not really what I mean.  I feel....like I picked him.  Like it wasn't just some random...oops...sort of happening.  In a way, it is because we got along freakishly well as friends and I didn't know exactly why I was drawn to him so much to begin with, but on the other hand... I wanted to be with him...and I we had to work to get there.  The pieces fell slowly...at least for me.  I feel like it's kindof like art.  An untrained artist CAN produce a good work, but I feel like the result is much more dependent on chance that it will turn out well...mostly because the artist might no know WHY or WHAT makes the piece good.  They just do it and hope it works.  When you're trained, you know why certain things work together...if you are over-trained, that might get in the way of your creative process as you become to analytical.  It's the perfect balance between allowing the natural flow of creativity and your trained skills and knowledge.  
Hahaha...that's weird...but I feel like it's that way with Chris.  We have a natural chemistry...there are indeed things there in him that I am uncontrollably drawn to.  I feel miserable thinking about not having him be the role he is in my life.  But also, I feel like I knowledgeably selected Chris...sort of.  I've had stupid boyfriends.  I've dated jerks and I've dated nice guys...I've learned a lot a lot.  I saw the qualities in Chris and thought."...if only I could date sweet guy like that....oh wait...why not?"  Chris was the only guy I've seemed to have commitment issues with, which baffled me because I don't really ever have problems with that but yet I really really wanted to be with him.  I really wanted to love him.  I still don't really understand it...but I'm just glad I do now.  I'm very happy.  Except for that he's not here....right now.  hehe...

Mar. 11th, 2010

painting, abstract

(no subject)

I like being home.
I mean...there's not much food around....well...I drove 15 minutes to brookville just to get mcdonalds...
as far as food goes...
I've been on this steroid for about a month or something and I seriously don't think I can get a "full" sensation.  I seriously constantly eat.  I've gained at least 10 pounds.  I got a Ranch BLT meal and a southwest salad from McDonalds and I know normally I can barely finish a McDonald's meal, but today I had to MAKE myself stop eating and save the salad for later like I intended when I bought it.  My mom isn't home and my dad has been working nights so I've had to fend for myself food wise and I thought while I was in brookville i might as well pick up a meal for later.  Well, I ate like 1/4 of the salad and was like, "Stop!  Jesus!"  I eat like...every two hours...and by eat I mean pretty much a whole meal.  I get up at 9 because I'm hungry and can't go back to sleep unless I eat.  Then I eat lunch at 11.  Then I have something at maybe 2 or 3...then at 5.  Then around 7 or 8.  And again before I go to bed.  And that doesn't include all the snacking in between.  I just sit there and try to work on homework...look at the clock....say, "wait till at least such-and-such a time for goodness sake" and I really really end up craving something a lot and I can't concentrate until I get it.  Hence the trip to McDonalds.  Then I end up not getting a lot of work done because I mess around cooking stuff in the kitchen or get up to get snacks all the time.  I also started to get the supraclavical fat pads.  I looked up side effects of steroids and that's definitely one.  I thought my lymph nodes were swelling up again, but online it said it's common for fat to build up around your neck.  Gross.  But it also said it'll go away after I stop taking them.  I'm weaning off of them now and I'm down to 30mg a day and It'll be next Thursday when I'm done with them for good.  For now I've been trying to eat less by constantly having some kind of hot tea instead of munching on something. 
Chris and I decided that we are going to have a contest this summer to see who can loose the most during the summer.  He's a guy and can probably loose weight faster, but I think I have more will power than he does...and I've successfully dieted before so I know how to do it right.  He barely likes anything good for you...he hates veggies and fruit.  However I loooove veggies and fruit.  I'm pretty sad that I gained all the weight back I lost last summer.  :( ah well.  I'll try again.  Chris and I are going to walk together.  He's got asthma though so hope he doesn't hold me back... heh. 
I can't wait till we move in together.  I love him soooo much and we've gotten sooo much closer.  I love his giggle/laugh and how cute he is.  ^_^ I feel so content and happy and he really is my best friend....I'm sad that I had hurt him so much before I realized this but I feel like what we have has really been worked on and earned and it's not just infatuation.  It's very genuine and real.  The other day we were talking and he asked me if I would marry him---he wasn't asking asking me, he just meant like...would I ever consider marrying him--like if I was on that level and if i ever think about it...and I knew that he meant it that way, but I couldn't help feel a little ball of excitement when I heard him say it...like hear those words come out of his mouth.  I told him I do think about it but if he asked me I would say that I don't know...because even though I think we are excellent together, I still would want to be sure sure and want to see how things go when we live together.  

it's been such a long time since I've been in love....

Mar. 5th, 2010

painting, abstract

(no subject)

So Nathan, my brother, was off to boot camp on the 2nd.  He's in the Air Force now.  For anyone who doesn't know him, he's not much of a manly guy....ahem...actually, he takes quite a bit longer to do his hair than I do, and he's got nicer hair-doing stuff than me...including a straightener that is due to be swiped by me soon seeing as his hair is all shaved off by now.  I sent him a letter just the other day.  I'll have to keep him posted on Lady Gaga news and such...lol.  He LOOOOVES Lady Gaga. 

I have been reading the Narnia books while at home all day.  Chris lent me his iPod so that I can listen to his audio books, so I've been listening to them as well.  Sometimes its nice to listen when I am more tired, then I can close my eyes now and again.  Sometimes I follow along.  I'm almost halfway through The Voyage of the Dawn Treader now. 

So last night I had a "conversation" with my ex boyfriend, Kyle, online.  He and I dated when I was in highschool for 2 1/2 years and I broke up with him after he'd been at college for 6 months in Florida.  We had a rather messy break-up and I had met and started seeing someone a month after we broke up which made it worse.  We've since made up and are now friends, but he annoys the friggin piss out of me.  He's a gung-ho Christian who curses anything sinful and won't consider a view point that isn't biblically based.  He went to school for ministry, and now he's going to grad school for it.  I always try to shed light on situations and try to help him understand the other side, but he never wants to hear any of it.  Last night he told me that he finally stepped foot in a bar to hang out with some friends and be their DD.  He said some drunk girl danced with him.  I teased him and said, "Oh, boy you sound pretty excited about it...lol" and he said, "Well, she's not the kind of girl I want to be with.  She smokes, drinks, and sleeps around.  I don't believe in missionary dating, but I invited her to church with me next week."  I said, "Oh, those things must make her a bad person, huh?"  He said the smoking and drinking don't, but the sleeping around does.  I said, "Well, it doesn't mean she's a bad person.  There are lots of reasons why girls would sleep around.  Sometimes it's truly sinful, but most of the time I can guarantee you that it has something to do with acceptance, validation, and self-image."  And here we go.  Kyle started flinging around, "It's still sin."  "Your new-age insights try to make excuses for sin."  That's what he calls me...New Age.  I said, "Stop categorizing me.  You always categorize me and I can't stand it.  I can never talk you you; you never listen."  It's not like we were talking about the meaning of life, or some great philosophy...I was simply talking about the psychology of why a girl would sleep around, and that maybe it isn't rooted in an evil place in her heart, but rather a broken place.  I told him that to know how to mend the problem, you have to understand where the seed comes from.  None of it, he'd have.  "Still sin." is all he would say.  And he said he won't back down on his beliefs blah blah blah.  I told him it's a moot point talking to him because he never listens anyway...and he said, "Good.  Then stop defending it."  Good god!  Good freaking god!  I never meant to get defensive.  I was just trying to explain to him inner workings.  He always turns a blind eye to things like psychology and things that aren't based in biblical teachings.  He has his head so far up religion theory's ass that he can't see reality.  If he wants to reach and 'save' secular people, he has to know how they think and how they reason.  Until then, he will fail miserably at communicating with them.  They won't see him as nothing more than a close minded bible thumper who won't listen to a word they say.  It's crap.  It's all crap...ugh.  I feel sorry for him.  I feel like he's going to stay inside of his close minded, brain washed world of religion forever and never see the light of day. 

Welp....that's about as far as that goes.  I do apologize for being lengthy.  Not only do I get heated in topics like that, but I've also been reading, which greatly influences my writing.  
I've been feeling okay as far as the mono.  Yesterday, though, I didn't take my steroid till 2pm and by then my throat had started to feel a bit weird.  It felt tight and I could tell it felt a bit swollen and it felt funny to swallow.  Ugh.  And my legs ache.  Hopefully I'll be okay by the end of break.  Still dreadfully tired though.

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